Twice this week Big Brother has emailed comics to me. Speed Bump and Pickles. Go ahead and click on them. They are safe. You might even laugh. I can take a hint. I get it. “When’s the &#*$ memoir going to be done?”
So, what did I do? It’s obvious my blog posts have been a bare minimum. Do you get it now? I’ve been writing. It was a beautiful day out there today in my neighborhood but I didn’t step foot out the door. I got up, salutated the sun, drank my coffee, and glued my butt to the chair.
Morning affirmations: “I’m so close. I can finish this. Today.”
And I did.
Someone said “print it out.” I did that too, almost passing out from the fumes of 309 hot pages spitting out of my new laser printer. I punched holes, three sheets at a time, with my inexpensive paper punch. Found an old binder left over from tax course days.
So there. Here it is. Ready for the red pen.
Can I go for a walk now, Big Brother?
The Labor Day weekend drive on Highway 80 is tedious to the point of absolute boredom. No not boredom. Frustration. These ladies do not get bored. No matter what. But opportunity strikes in the middle of one of many traffic stalls. The phone rings. I see the number pop up. (983) 147-6055. “Shhhh ladies. We are going to have some fun with this one.” I turn on the speaker phone. (warning – this gets a bit nasty)
The scammer speaks. “Hello ma’am. I’m calling from windows. There is a problem with your computer.”
“Oh no, what can I do? Can you help me?”
My passengers roll their eyes as he responds, “Yes I help you. Are you at your computer ma’am?”
“Oh yes, please what shall I do,” I ask.
“Bring up your internet browser,” he says.
“How do I do that?” I ask.
“Oh my God. Click on the little ball in the lower corner of your screen.”
“Did you say ball? I don’t see any balls.”
“There’s a little ball. It looks like an E.”
“Oh that one. Thank you so much for helping me. I did it.”
My passengers are holding back the snickers now. Our scammer comes back on the line. “See the box on top of the screen. The one where your cursor is located.”
I resisted the urge to ask him what a cursor might be. “Hmmm let me look. I don’t see it. Oh wait. There it is.”
Jeanette can’t hold in the laughter. I look at her with consternation. “Shhh.”
Scammer comes back on. “Oh my god. Just type in the bar. http://www.”
“Where’s the w?” I ask.
“OMG. under the number 2.”
“Oh I see it now. Okay w w w.” More stifled laughter in the back seat. I look in the rear view mirror, a warning look.
“Dot,” he says.
“Dot? What do you mean dot? D-O-T?” I chide back at him.
“OMG. Dot. Period. The key with the dot. One dot.”
“Okay, can we start over?” I ask. Carol and Pat are bent over in laughter.
“We will try this slowly w – w – w – dot – support…..” he begins slowly.
“Wait,” I interrupt. “S U P… how do you spell support?”
“OMG S U P P O R T. Then type slash me dot com.”
Jeanette lets out a yelping laugh. “Shhhhh.” I give her another warning look.
“Okay, I think I have it,” I say holding back the laughter.
“What do you see?” he asks.
“Nothing. The screen is black.”
“Wait a minute. Now what do you see? I need you to click on …”
I can’t understand what he is saying but traffic has now begun to move and I must end this distraction. “My screen. It is black. You killed my computer. It’s dead.”
“Oh. My. God. Wait a minute.” We listen to some foreign whispers as he consults his fellow scammers. “The screen. Is it really black?” He sounds worried. I expect him to say he can fix it.
“Yes, I yell back. You killed it.” We can’t hold it in anymore. We all burst out in laughter.
“You f***ed with me. Go shove it up your P****.” He hangs up.
A few minutes later at lunch we are roaring in laughter. The phone rings again. It’s him. “Hey you already told me to shove my computer. It didn’t fit.” (Okay… I really didn’t say that. Didn’t think of it in time.)